Friday, September 16, 2011

Worst to worst? I dunno what to do...God please guide me..D:

Today is Friday.. Today I guess it was the worst day ever in this year? I dont know.. I dont know what to do..I really need some guideness..D: I very sufffering of sadness.. I dont want emo everytime but I cant.. Actually no one's like to emo la..except maybe wan sympathise? If you tink i am..then screw me then.. I dont mind.. Well, why am I sad today? I also dunno how to express it..it just complicated . The main category is my family and my friends. Well, past few days..im tired and enough with some stuff which really make me down and piss me off! Im enough with a girl.. She is damn freaking fake! Stop acting infront me! U know me well.. U know i dont like you, and im sure u know urself well more than me that you dont like me..And why are you trying to act? You left us..and you have ur own gang.. When in the skul, u never talk to us..but when after skul..staying back..u have no one in ur gang..and u came to us? Wth? Who do you tink u are? And u are just acting good to us so u r not alone? U saying how bad am i and everyting..even backstab me in other ppl.. I ady dont mind.. But pls! U friend me just to take advantange.! I dont need you..Cause you choose to be that way 1st!

Sad part was...ermm...

Well the sadest part was about my family..
A very long story..

Today let mum scold us.. I feel damn hurt..and cried terribly..
The hurt thing ever is..this was the 1st time she said is..I have NO SELF PRIDENESS! And said where is myself prideness go.. I was like.. I dunno what i have done? I really dont know.. Well, I admit im not a really good daughter.. But if you said about my studies.. I was sad.. I know im not that clever..BUT then i tried my best.. U call me not to compare with others and u tink i have? I doesnt ANYMORE! Last time i was. But now I told myself not to compare.. cause i know this is what god gives me and my parents. AND this is really who am I. And i tried not to care what ppl said me too..i dont care the gossip anymore..but still im still a human..if u said infront of me smthg bad and i never did it..surely i will fight back la right? U said I care my frens more than you. Sometime you care someone doesnt mean you have to show it okay.. Im trying to understand you, mummy! I know you are suffering frm work everyday till midnight always.. Im trying to understand your situation.. But sometimes I hope you understand me aswell? You never know how sad am i and u never know too.. I still remembered last time daddy asked me everytime..eh didnt go out with frens on hols..and the answer always will be 'NO! Cause you know why..you also said i have no frens to out too.. you know me.. Daddy somemore said friend is very important..and now finally I have my own friends..which really cares me..and I feel you dont like? Do you know when u all work mon to fri..when im sad..no one cares me..I always talk to the stars alone..and with my toys.. And there's finally someone bring me out to socialize and know more friends and made me not shy anymore..And you said me I've changed alot? Said that im not like last time.. I know what u all worried about..u scared i simply makes ppl and stuff right? If you dont trust them, at least you trust me, your daughter. I know you care me..i appreciate.. I just cant let my friend who cares me to let go me.. Today i cried and tink so many times..maybe i should let go of them and just to be alone in the world..then u satisfied? But I just cant.. I dont want to be alone:( I dont want to be like last time anymore...being a silly girl.. You dont know..everyday at school in the class..like a silly girl..sitting behind there..alone. Do you know that? You never know right.. I wanna tell you all this but you all didnt ask me and you all dont understand me although i explain.. I admit i have my wrong too.. I did not do the responsiblities as daughter well.. Im sorry!:( I just need someone who really cares me whenever I want..I just want some friends to care me..thats all..Smthg you dont like, I trying avoid..what u wan me to do somemore? Tell me..i really dont know.. Im just tired of smile.. The sadness behind a smile.. Even sometimes i practise smiling in front of the mirrror? ==

AS for my brother, disappointed alot! D:..T_T

HE never knows I love him alot and i care him..
He really never know.. I still remembered last time when i were young..we always fight and argue everytime.. There's one day, the ever touched moment he had ever done to me is..When hw was in NS that time.. I miss him alot when he was in NS.. Every sunday, I visit him..just to give him support and see him.. Thats time he cares me and call me take care.. I was really really touched.. And there one sunday,.I cant meet him cause of My skul st john agm.. And i smsed him..I call him take care and i said i miss him.. And he replied he miss me too! When I evr see that message, the tears in my eyes without knowing, it drops.. I feel so so proud and happy I have a bro who cares me..And i thought IF i have no friends one day, At least I have a bro! But After a while he dont cares me when he is back to home.. I know he had gf.. But its seems his GF Is even important than me. Im not jealous..im not.! But im ur sister! U dun treat me as good like ur gf, i dun mind..but dont treat me the bad way just because of ur gf.! Cares me feeling alright! DOnt cause of ur gf scolding and shouting at me! I already keep it to myself..without telling u and u r doing that.. D: And that day, mooncake festival..i thought of just having fun together with him..He was playing candles with his fren..I was not joining him but playing alone and near him..He was taking photo..and sud his NEW phone drop! The 1st ting he scold me! I was like wth? What i did again? I didnt even touch him a hair!!! And he blame me? Call me shut up? scolding me infront of his friends? WTF? I was sad that day and i just wanna just to be happy and not emo.. And he made me cried alone in the room again.. I really dunwan cry. Im sick of it also.. HAiz! I just dont know what to do.. No one's understand me and why is everyone blaming me? What should I do? Tell me? I try not to care, not to think.. I know life is always full of up and down.. Im trying to control myself. Hmm...feel so much better after blogging here and FRISBEE! made me better..:) No matter what, This IS who I really am.. If you dont like me, SCREW ME anytime..its not the 1st time though... and I wanna said before its too late.. I LOVE ALL my friends who cheer me up all the time..cares me and everyting! Although Im know im not a good friend.. its same goes to mummy and daddy.. Im sorry..I just dont know how to social with you..Like there is a gap there.. Maybe..frm small till now..we get to see each other seldom.. But no matter what U r still my family..I know i should appreciate and I did okayy..

Well..After a grandma post, i guess that it for now..:) Hopefully I will be fine..Take care ppl!:)

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Hopefully I can stay stronger and stronger and never give up! And this is call what life is! Always up and down~ D:

Hey, I'm finally back for blogging..:) Well, I still remembered this blog last time created is because I have no one to express my feeling D: It's had been so long I didnt get to blog.. So my blog really dead.. And i dun mind because the 1st time i created this blog of purpose is just to share out my feelings. In this few weeks, If I didnt really feel down, mayb i might not blogging here now. Since so long i never blog, surely alot of things happened. But i tink i manage because i tink i meet someone to share with? I wont tell is who surely..haha:P Actually at 1st i dunwan to share with ''him/ her'' but he/she makes me feeling to say at last.. I dunwan cause i scared he/she will feel im annoying and childish or watever :S But he/she said dun mind :) So yeah, finally i told some of it? And of course feel so much better :) Well, this few weeks and days i get so emo..because of exams result , friendship and family stuff D: Really very emo and down..especially this 2 days..T.T Do you know this few days I cant sleep ? I always sleep at 4am.. Alot of thing come true my mind.. And friday night that day, I cried cause i rly cant stand with it..D: I guess that time and that moment rly very painD: and finally cried out? I was feeling sms someone that time but that time was so late already and I dunwan everytime telling ppl im feeling so down , this and tat and having so much problems everyday. To be honest, I really very disspointed with friendship..So many times, i getting hurt.. I dont mind how and what others think and say about me BUT ''YOU" as my fren saying those words, do u know its hurt and how much it hurts? You know me, i have not much fren and thats why i very appreciate you guys, but did you? Do you know somehow my mum dont like you but i still insist and i stand fr you all? I didnt look down on you guys but you guys look down on me? And the most hurt things, you said that im ''pihak ketiga of other?'' and said to others how bad am i? Why dont u tell me? Cause of you, i cried so many times? I told myself to stay storng? I just never expect you are saying and doing that and you said u were in anger tat time? If you are anger that time, then why i know that u were doing so many times? T.T .. You said u might influenced by others? Then do you know my feelings? I already trying my best ignore the rumours arnd and backstab abt me in skul! Im very stressed enuf! I just need just some of you to support me thats all. Then my result tis time was really really freaking bad.. Really D: When i took my exam result, I really can predict it was rly bad..and when i took it,..it was rly bad..I FAIL D: At 1st, telling myself dun cried cause u cant change anyting already but just accept the fact and face it! And do well next time..Cause i can tell i last minute study and busy fr skul competition T.T But when i get to know my maths fail..My tears just auto drop and dunno how to face my parents. Then , got correction and went infront and talk to teacher and teacher saw my result damn bad and ask why i drop? I dunno how to answered her and look to her eyes, i cried out..non stopping..really my hearts goes very pain..rly cried terribly after so long. I feel im so useless and why i didnt do well? Teacher pull me and advise me and call me do well next time. Still gt end year exam and so on..long story~ Then went back, really dunno how to tell my parents till now i haven tell D: But at 1st i had told them i didnt do well already :( Well, for my family prob, i dunno how to describe. The most hurt was, yesterday! I am a very careles girl! Always! i know i am D: I am so sorry daddy, mummy, bro and sis! I doesnt wanted to make the day so terrible! I am so sorry D: I know i am just useless and careless.. I know i cant blame anyone, and i just can blame myself. I also dunwan this, its long story too,..i dun tink i will tell what happened but I can just say i dunno why i will be like tat and so stupid D: the worst ting is when in the cinema , i heard bro said i spoilt the whole family mood and boring to go out with me..thought that can have fun together and said next time dunwan go out with me ady? My heart goes so pain and my tears drop when im watching in the cinema.. No one know i guess.. I am so sorry.. I know im not good and i flashed back last time I was always the wrong one too in the family..alot alot of tings till ystdy 4am left me alone and i cant sleep D: I just wanna said sorry D: I am not a good fren and a daughter or whoever i tink? And yes it is! I just wanna thanks to some of them really cheer me up all this while although some of them didnt understand me and make me sometimes but nvm :) and yeah my frenship prob, somehow and sometimes i feel i better to be lonely as my sis said..cause did you realise i always stand fr ur attitude and blame me everyting ? and i didnt care..u know its so suffer and it hurts? So sis was saying did thy tink our feelings b4? did thy realise their action and words? We born is not to stand their attitude and not a toys fr them. If like tat rather to be lonely? And mayb its more happy and peace? Since we are always lonely though? Somehow i feel its true.. Alot of tings la..till really cant finish describe~ really T.T Anway, Wanna thank you again fr those who rly cares me all this while! You know who you are! <3 and I know no one will see my blog though cause its lame though and no one know i guess? Anyway, take care guys!

Oh yeah, that day was kinda emo i created this..frm my heart i guess? :) hehe

''You always thought you know everything,
You always think you know how I feel,
But I always keep my sadness with a fake smile,
Just because to make you not worried and I smile cause you =)''

Yeah, thats all for now :) superb long post >_<

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Did I do my best to be a better person? D:

Hey..finally..im back to blogging.. Since last yr till now..I never get to blog for so long.. For me..Words really cant describe how really how i feel..but at least there's is somewhr i can tell out my feelings.. Well, surely alot of tings happen la.. I feel that my frens and everyone arnd is changing and changing to another person..Gt bad gf good la.. Well, I dont want to say abt what happened last time anymore..cause it had pass and since its not happy why do i need to remember right? so yeah.. I know that i acting very childish..I know i am very childish to keep posting my feeling and every single thing in my fb status.. I am really sorry.. U All can ignore it.. I dont mind u all said me acting childish..I know that..Some of you told me that. So yeah..screw tat up..Actually sometimes when i said im fine..i actually not fine at all..but i understand..in tis world no one will noe if u dun tell rite? ..So yeah..my brother..he went to NS~ Every sunday I will go and see him there la..He really mature alot..Im very proud of him.. Last time I always argue with him..always cried and everything la..so yeah..but he is still my bro..I miss him alot now.. Although normally i dont talk him at home.. Now i feel very lost and lonely at home.. Normal days i already without friend support and without bro i feel really lost..Last time i got a person always cheer me up..but now no longer and i dont tink so.. So yeah..seeing bro so mature..I told myself to be more mature..Tell myself face everyting by myself..Dun lit bit tings go tell ppl and get annoy ppl.. Face it! I really tried my BEST to change myself to be a better person.. tell myself to be strong..but everytime it nvr success..Some of frens do cheer me up..Thank you! LOve you all! <3.. really appreciate it and nvr fgt.. Another thing actually i dont want tell every single to my fren is because i scared thy feel annoying cause of me and one time i told a fren..he/she told me to see caunselor teacher.. I really do feel sad..rly sad..as if im like having some very serious prob until i cant control? I dont know la..But he/she apologise to me when i said i feel abit sad la..So yeah..But i admit im very useless..D: And tis few days..very sad cause family having some prob..dont know find who to said also..SO i just hope god will guide me and stay strong! I always tell myself..''yoon yee,..u must stay strong ok''! Dont be so useless...small prob also cant face..I really will do my best..Okay..i will.. Take care guys..although i know no one will see my blog and i know it long and lame..zz...Kays..bye :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Will tis be my last post?? haha..Thanks to someone who rly cares me n tis few days make me realise alot of tings..

WOW!! ITs really been very very long i didnt blog!! Phew..I guess i didnt blog much..cause i guess i rly very busy n have no time la..and also i lazy.. Also i get someone to share with..I tink because of him, I stopped blogging ady since that day if i not mistaken??..Haha:P Well, this few days make me feel really awake n realise alot of tings..I got my a really very scary nightmare!!! Really..I dunwan tat dreams to come true! NEVER!! *touchwood* ..Well, i also dunno how to begin with..I just cant expect smthg la..I saw with my own eyes..that i never expect that person will said me like tat..ITs hurt..so yeah,..nvm la..always also like tat..Just never expect that he can act infont of me is others n say about me is diff.. N i watched a drama..it rly meaningful..When im watching..i keep crying non-stop..ITs rly touched!! MY tears keep drop then dry then n dry..lol.. Sun morning, parents talk alot of tings..and i cried again..gosh! U might tink am i crazy? Why i keep crying?? But i also cant control myself nowadays.. Get really emo nowadays..But yeah, i know tis is what called life..And i wanna thanks alot to someone...which always cheer me up..and he makes me know alot of tings about of life..Although sometimes i feel some parts he dun rly understand about my feelings, but i know there's no such tings is ''perfect''..So yeah!! Rly thanks alot n i rly appreciate it..The ones who really cares me! <3 You know who you are!!:) Although nowadays..everyone really get very busy.. I understand..But its okay! I will try my best ! Hopefully everyting wil be alright! Alright..Take care guys!! But i knw no one's will see my blog..anyway nights! bye:D

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Whee!! Just back frm SCC!!!..Kinda miss the camp now!!..haha

~Tis is the first day we take the pic from our group!!Stitch!hehe:D~
~But sadly 2 person which is Shao qian n yee siew is not inside..haiz~
~Nvm la it ok, although u r not here bt u r always in ourgroup!!..haha:D..whee!!^_^~

So yeah,I just back frm camp two days ago. Was really tired but seriously now i kinda miss that moment~haha..lol:P..So how r u guys been? Hopefully everyone and everyting is alright. I miss u guys alot esp my family and my frens!..haha:D although i knw i have a lit frens..>.<>.<
~First day of SCC~
Alright first day was not a really nice day to me n not a happy day la..It is because the few days past sis stomach pain dao rly very pain ma...She pain dao cant even stand..So, before the first day we pack our things together lo..and we pray hard she really can go lo..seriously..But after tmr..Around 4smthg am, she woke me up and cried infront of me..I was so shocked. She said she very pain n cant go already. She kept say sorry. I replied her, Its okay, dun worry..everyting will be fine alright..U still have next yr..to go..The main important tings is ur health. And i also kept cried without non-stop. I wanna slept back but i cant..And sis said she cant stand it anymore, she rly wanna go hospital. She didnt go hospital in her life before n we 2 also scared to see doc. And now she said she wanna go, its means rly rly pain..I dunno how suffer it is..but i see her face rly become very white n weak...So i quickly called dad bring her to hos..Dad said together out..cause very inconvinience fetch here n thr~..So i quickly go prepared everyting very quickly seriously..Dun even have appetite to eat breakfast anymore..Just drink something n quickly bring her to KPJ hos.. We went with dad ,sis and grandma to accompany her. T.T..She keep shout fr pain in the car..I keep stand and tell myself not to cry cause i dunwan make sis cried and scare somemore..So i keep tell myself dun cry and hope faster send her to hos. When reach thr..I just cnt stop myself frm crying..T.T..=(..Sis was lying thr..Dad called me to filled up the details..I dun even dare to inside the room. I forced myself to smile infront of her n cheer up her. I cried at outside. Really very exp the treatment..400smthg haven include Camp money..Cause dad called dun go..If not she suffer thr later..She very sad n moody. After seeing doc, dad bring me to Stadim Kajang gather lur..Everyone almost reach le..So scared i was the lastest wan..But i not scared them if im late also cause of sis i feel is worth it. Luckily , i didnt late..So the first ting i went is find my division then tell my CP that my sis is not going~ She ask why and say okay..Thy say tsk tsk...rly wasted..all those lo..I was so upset..N keep cried n wipe..dunwan let ppl see..cried in the corner..Then my frens saw and ask y like that lo..then masuk barisan, dunno why my tears just cant stop dropping..But i dun tink someone saw la..Then in bus dunno sit with who. I rly very upset n emo lo that time. Then i sit with my senior, since i dunhav ppl sit with. Then we reach thr almost like 8am i tink?..Then we gather lo our area wan..After gather we put up our tents and put our luagage inside , clean and etc.
After that we had our lunch..Wa go there that time damn long queue lo..Seriously..wait, wait ,wait seriously very long..and eat curry chicken and rice if i not mistaken..haha..lol:P..

After eating le..Then ice breaking lu..Whee luckily no need like last yr to wear full uni for open ceremony..So we just wear half uni..haha:P..Then waited very long for the ice breaking lo..seriously..Sit thr very long le..Then my fren why so long haven start de?..The ice also melt dy lo..When wan break leh?..haha..lolxP..smthg lidat gua..I also dun rly remember le..hehexD..Then few more min start ice breaking lu..Then no mood lo..as mention above..like so many tings happen..Then we also know each other and say our name n area..First time is like very kekok la..After that thy ask did i have nick name?..I was so shy lo as normal..lol:x..I said no..Thy A PON give my name as YOYO..zz..lol..haha..cause my name YY ma..haha..then i say anyting lo..Okay lo..Then our group is STITCH le..haha..xD..At first i dun rly like pur group la..but then i try my best to coperate and with them lo..So first activity we do is do the banner lo..At first thy ask who know drawing..Actually i wanna help n say i knw..but then i paiseh la..And dunwan lo..Give ppl chance la..Somemore i saw the girl dunno what name, but ppl called her apple..She seems so interested,..So i let her..its okay..Then we plan for the cheer lo..See them so quiet n like no idea..I just cant stand it dy..Wasted alot of time..So decided to say smthg lo..finally all done then..Bath all those n eat dinner..bla bla bla~hahaxP..Then at night go for the course ''knowledge of the order'' lo..Almost wan sleep listen to his speech lo..T.T..After that when end..Plan to have supper and study fr the course. But then i didnt have supper in canteen at last..I just study at there ny alone..cause the other frens say me like annoying..then kay lo..study myself..Study until 1smthg am like that..Then thy say wanna off light dy..So went back tent sleep~..When went back, all the member almost sleep le..me very scared the exam lo..And i can sleep almost the whole night..haiz...tats all for the first day gua..Hmm..,Sorry guys my memories not good..so i cnt rly remember..except some special memories la..haha:P..Kay la for now just share u guys first day 1st la..I seriously dun feeling continue dy..haha..lazy..lol:P..>.<..kay nites n take care ya!!<3..:d



Tuesday, December 14, 2010

>.<..sobsob

My sis still in a quite bad condition..Gosh..=(..Seriously i dont knw she will go with me tmr a not..I hope yes..pls..God!!..T.T..Anyway just wanna post some videos here..The songs is from the movie named ''Rapunzel''..Its seriously nice..I just love it..MAyb i abit childish perhaps??..
Enjoy~..=)


video

video

I love this song..Its kinda meaningful in the movie..haha:P..<3


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Speechless..T.T

Hey..im finally back to blogging again~..Im really really very unhappy now~..I seriously dunno what kind of person in myself.. Tis few days..went out with parents and goin to have camp on next wed..so yeah..haven pack anyting yet..

So tis few days..i really very free..and no one really online..seriously was bored.. So, my mind sud came through alot of question.. I keep tink all the ''IF'' question.. Its like if i died , did anyone wil knw it except for my family?.. and alot more.. Today my sis having a terrible stomach pain..after that i have too..i eat some pain killer for stomach pain and bcome better..but my sis was urine infection i guess.. And she said she cant stand that pain anymore..She said she wanna go hos..I rly cant imagine it..I wont accompany her..cause if i go it will be more worst cause ofc i will cry..And she never went hos before in her whole life!!..At last she said she bcome better..and she dunwan go anymore..

I understand..what she feel..cause we 2 really very scared injection..until now..I knw im rly inmature..Anyway i just very very disappointed..cause no one understand me.. I did everyting with a reason!..I doesnt mean anyting..y u all just cant trust me?..Y all my frens just like so perfectly and me what?..And why whenver i wanna chat and tell smthg to somebody..no one is bside me to share it out??

I just hope just somebody will just support me when im down.. Try to understand no matter wht.. Support me although im wrong.. Just anyting will make me comfort tats all.. And few ppl did it..for me..sometimes.. Although it is sometimes.. I already feel very very very happy and satisfied with it.. And i can tell u i will nvr fgt u in my life!..hehexP.. So yeah i guess tats all fr nw.. Miss u guys..Take care!!..I wanted to have a wonderful christmas..How good if alot of ppl bside me and celebrate..haha:D..kla..bye..see ya!!..<3